Feel like you are not being listened to?

Having challenges getting your point across, with your child or with your colleagues?

Would you like more control over the effectiveness of the way you speak?

Communication or lack thereof, is the cause of much stress, heartache, loss of jobs, divorces, troubled teens, and all different sorts of  insanity, in our lives and culture today.

Communication is simply the exchange of ideas or things between people.  It is something that is sent AND Received.

This information has changed the way I communicate – Forever!

When I first started studying Communication, I thought it simply meant how I spoke. (Some of you are busted right now!)  What’s funny is I also thought I was a pretty good communicator!  (still do, lol!)  and that I didn’t really need any assistance with communicating.  I tend to be fairly direct when I communicate.  I have affectionately termed this  ”heart of the matter sort of gal”.  Little did I know, I had MUCH to learn about communicating. (and of course I still do)

What I realized was communication, is much more than just sending your message.  It is also about someone on the other end RECEIVING IT,

and  most importantly, DUPLICATING IT.

Have you ever been around someone that just loved to talk.   He/ she just kept talking.  Ugh, so annoying.   On the contrary – Have you ever been around someone who didn’t respond when you said something; just flat,  no comeback.   Both ways are extremes, and yet,both examples are typical.

We live in an under-acknowledged world. So many messages, so little real communication occuring.

You have heard that people just want to be heard.  I have learned this as people just want to be understood.

What will it take to truly communicate?

The following 2 things will have you aware of how to most effectively communicate:

1.  Your desire to improve, therefore your willingness.

In Sales training, we learn to listen.   To do this it takes being able to simple BE THERE.

The 3 ways one can listen are:

1.  Agree with

2. Disagree with

3. Be with

Agree with.  We know this well.  We seek for the ways you agree with what the person is saying. Head nods, yeps, I agrees indicate one is agreeing.

Disagree with. We know this too.  We  seek and find what we disagree with. Interruptions, shaking the head, either silently or not are indications of this.

Be With.   Now, this takes some practice; to simply be with the person and hear what they are saying.  We don’t have to agree, we don’t have to disagree. Just Be.

What a concept!

Clearly, to communicate, it takes receipt of the communication. So when someone communicates to you, it is not a communication until it is received.  How do you feel when you communicate and there is no acknowledgment.  (some of you consider this very normal. I know I certainly did.)

2.  Acknowledge that you heard the communication when someone communicates to you.

A simple, “I heard you”, or “I understand”, “O.K.”  is adequate.  Let them know you received what they said.  This has nothing to do with you agreeing or disagreeing. This is simply you being a recipient of their communication.  This will change the way they view you.  You become valued, as you are BEING WITH them!

Acknowledging simply means you let the person know you “get” what they are saying.  That you heard it and understand.  It does not mean you agree with it.

You can always agree or disagree after you received their communication.   To acknowledge someone does not mean you have to listen to or agree with every thing you hear.  The effectiveness of what you communicate, will absolutely GO UP when you are willing to acknowledge others.  Now, when you are communicating to them, they will begin to learn from you, and you can expect them to begin acknowledging and really duplicating what you say.

At first it felt really weird to acknowledge everything I heard from the people that matter to me.  Now, if there is no acknowledgement, the words get repeated until there is acknowledgment.

Last night I heard my son, Skye, saying, “Thank you!”, as my husband, Bob  left his room at bedtime and flipped on the hall light.  Bob walked into the dining room and didn’t hear Skye.  Skye shouted this time, “Thank You!”, waiting for the response, not getting it, and then yelled louder, “THANK YOU!”.  Realizing what was going on, I hightailed it to dining room to let Bob know that Skye was looking to be acknowledged!  Bob moved quickly to say, “You’re welcome!”, which had Skye promptly drift off into dreams.

Skye knows the valuable lesson that what he said, had not landed, therefore was not yet communication!   (happy mommy dance!)

When we speak, we are communicating, but does this mean we are Effectively Communicating?

Let me know your thoughts on effective communication, and  I would love to hear your wins when you give the acknowledging part a go!   If you are already effectively communicating, share any other tips, and share this info with your friends.   I am working with Skye’s school on a Communication Workshop here in LA this weekend and would love to meet any of you in the area.